flog the frog

congratulations! you're married! oh. you want to live with one another, too? you need to file an immigrant petition. do as follows:

-download form i-130, please. fill it out. yes, it's a bitch.

-take two photos. color. one of you and one of her. 5cm x 5cm. only white backgrounds. we hate blue.

-proof of citizenship. birth certificate or passport. if you don't want to send your passport then send it to fukuoka and we'll make an official copy and notarize it for you. for free. that's all you get for free. that and the downloads. and your wife's love.

-download form 1-864. the affidavit of support. and since you can't use your income from japan you have to have your family in the states say they'll vouch for you. now, we need your tax transcripts for the last three years from you and your sponsors, that is you father and step-father. and we need their birth certificates. yes. this form is a bitch, too.

-a photo i.d. pictures don't count. a copy of your passport will do. but not the official copy. and just in case send a copy of your gaikokujin card, driver's license, passport, and birth certificate. you can't be too sure.

-a copy of your wife's birth certificate. oh. they don't have those in japan? only the family registry? that'll do. but you gotta translate it and then make a blood oath that you haven't lied. yes, we need all three. and it's best if you get all this notarized. yes. it'll cost you.

-a copy of your wife's passport. and everything in it. we want to know where she's been.

-download form g-325. this is the biographic information form. don't lie.

-download form d-230. your wife should fill this out. when she comes to tokyo tell her to bring the other half. oh? you didn't know you were going to have to come to tokyo? why everyone knows that. you'll probably have to come only once or twice. maybe three times. it's only $400 a flight. you're made of money aren't you? don't you have one of those trees that grows money? well, darlin, get one. how are you gonna do all this without a money tree? credit cards? oh, ok. well have her bring it and we'll notarize it. yes, it'll cost you.

-you have a marriage certificate. translate it. and make another blood oath that it is true. and get it notarized. that should do it. you are almost there.

-gather everything and send it to tokyo along with $185. this is the processing fee. what? your pissed? yes, it takes us a lot of time to process everything. and that time costs money. you wanna come up here and do it yourself? you've already done most of the work for free you want finish it off? aww, that's awfully sweet of you but we can do it. we'll like taking you money. you just send you wife to the doctor. what you didn't know about that?

well, maybe i'll get someone else to tell you about it tomorrow. go drink a beer. your gonna need it. you are now almost finished with the i-130.

we'll be in touch. she's gonna love america!