being a cynic sucks...

I just finished watching a great old movie called 12 angry men with Henry Fonda. The whole movie takes place in one jury room, where the jury starts off ready to convict an 18 year old of murder 11-1. that one of course being henry fonda, and he slowly begins to turn the tide and minds of the other jury members. I wont give away the ending, but it was a really good movie.

Now to relate this to the topic of this piece, I have to tell you that throughout the movie I inevitably caught little tidbits and details that just didnt fall into place so well. Tiny details about witness testimony or murder weapon descriptions that just seemed to lack perfect rational logic. I was watching the movie with the brilliant and wonderful Jessica Crewe, who loved the movie, and was so easily capable of moving past those details and just enjoying the flic. On top of that, im not sure she even noticed them, which is not to say that she isnt observant, but is moreso a testiment to her non-cynical, non-judgmental attitude. I just wish I could be like that.

Im jealous of Josh and his faith. I dont think we can choose waht to beleive. We each look at all we are presented, judge it, weigh it and make a judgment or draw a conclusion. I dont choose to beleive in determinism or what not, its just what I beleive, and Im not about to try to argue against what I feel I know is true to attain a belief that i want. Also, its not even about faith or anything supernatural. I wish I could think good thoughts about people i dont like so much. I wish I could enjoy movies, books, plays, and stories more just by not minding the bad points and weighing in only the good. I wish I could look at my ALT situation from the point of view of having an easy job where i make lots of money, instead of seeing the frustation of being bored, or constantly dealing with the percieved failure of my students. I wish I could do all these things, and just be happy with them, instead of being cynical.

Maybe its possible, over time, to train ones mind to do just that; to see the good in things, and disregard the bad. It would be so nice to think highly of so many people, instead of jumping to their physical or intellectual flaws. I feel like i would really be happy with that ability. I guess there is a value in being cynical in that it may lend toward a higher understanding of truth and the nature of things. After all, it is the cynic who questions the world around him (or her), and pursues knowledge about it. If noone were cynical, than noone would question what we think we "know". We'd still think that the earth is flat, and we would never advance in science.

I guess its a bit of a two headed coin. Maybe I jush wish I could be right in the middle. Where are you? Where do you wanna be? How do you get there?