ALT The Movie - Act 1, Scene 2

INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR - SEP 27 2005, MIDDAY

A young handsome ALT is leaving the LL ROOM. Just outside, in the CORRIDOR, a group of 4 18-year-old STUDENTS are standing, chatting amongst themselves. They notice the ALT's presence, and their attention turns to him.

STUDENTS (in English): Hello

ALT (in English) : Hello, how's it going?

STUDENT #1 (in Japanese) : Flare your nostrils*

There is laughter from the other STUDENTS. Flaring ones nostrils is a very funny thing for foreigner to do, as they have such tremendously large noses.

ALT (in English) : What did you do last weekend?

STUDENT #1 (in Japanese) : I don't understand English. Flare your nostrils

ALT (in English) : Please speak to me in English. I don't understand Japanese. What did you do at the weekend?

STUDENTS #1&2 (in Japanese) : Flare your nostrils

ALT (in English, with some accompanying gesticulation) : If you ask me in English, maybe I'll do it. Please ask me in English.

STUDENT #1 (in Japanese) : Flare your nostrils. If you don't do it I won't speak English.

The ALT ponders this for a moment, and relents. Its a good deal - he gets to hear some English, and the students have their entertainment. Perhap this will even earn him some respect. The oversized foreign nostrils briefly billow out, and then relax. The students giggle and cheer.

STUDENT #1 (in Japanese) : That was funny. You have a big nose. Do it again.

ALT (in English): Please ask me in English.

STUDENT #1 (in Japanese) : I don't speak English. Flare your nostrils again. You have a big nose.

The ALT smiles understandingly. He is silently grateful that the exchange has thus far not included an overt** reference to his penis.

FADE TO BLACK.

THE END

* In case you're wondering, the Japanese for this sounded something like buu shite. I'm guessing buu is some kind of onomatopaiec term for the sound a nostril makes when flaring.

** I've head that having a big nose in Japan has a similar connotation to having big feet in the West. I hope I didn't make this fact up to console myself over what some might consider a large nose.

Oh, and if you're scuba diving or surfing anytime soon, watch out for rogue killer dolphins armed with poison-dart guns.