How to get by with some catch-all Japanese
Holy cow, I was perturbed by the situation in class today. Out of the blue, I was informed that I am going to the teaching in special ed. Uh, last time I checked, I wasn't an English teacher with a specialization in Special Ed. But sure, whatevs, I'll draw some verbs for them since it seems to be my responsibility to do the work of a trained professional now. Don't even get me started on my annoyance on being expected to do games out of the blue, 'cause I'm digressing already...So I introduce five simple verbs to the class, along with my cute drawings, and I am practicing them with the students. Out of the blue, the teacher suddenly leans in and says, "They don't know these words."
blink "Uh, yeah, that's why I'm teaching the words to them. So they will know them."
What we have here is a failure to communicate. I'm not sure what will straighten out the oddness of my situation, but I have compiled a rather tounge-in-cheek list of words that will help you survive in most any other one you may come across.
First: Master Chotto. This word can be used for about anything (among some of its 254 definitions "are stop, wait, maybe, well, uh, I guess...", and perhaps most importantly: "I would love to give a response that is vague at this point, and I can get away with that cause we are speaking Japanese"). Want someone to stop licking your feet? Chotto. Want some food at a restaurant? Chotto. Don't want what they brought you to eat? Chotto. Being asked what you think of the current postal-privitization battle going on in politics? Chotto.
In fact, any situation where you are not sure what to say or what is being asked of you, just say chotto. As the Japanese language is built to facilitate assumptions, the Japanese person you are talking to will assume you meant whatever makes the most sense in the situation.
Will you marry my daughter? Chotto.
The same goes for the sound unn. Being asked if this combination of nitroglycerine and acid is safe? Unn. If something undesirable happens because of Unn, the Japanese person will figure they were wrongly assuming what you meant by unn and beg your forgiveness.
Of coarse, the proper response to that is chotto.
But how about understanding the Japanese that is spoken to you? Well, let me paraphrase Dave Berry's observation on the common meaning of responses a Japanese person may give you in response to your inquiries.
"No." = "No."
"Well, it's difficult..." = "No."
"Are you sure?" = "No."
"Is that really what you want?" = "No."
"Wouldn't you rather..." = "No."
"Maybe..." = "No."
"Yes." = "No."
If you can memorize this blog entry, you'll never have a problem communicating with a Japanese person again.
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