Another typical day in Japan: My Meeting with Mr. Koizumi

by Claytonian (9/21/2005)

So today was my birthday, and I celebrated becoming a quarter-century old in my usual subtle way by eating some chips and drinking melon-soda. I was surprised when a limo pulled up to my house and the prime minister of Japan, Junichiro Koizumi stepped out. I quickly threw on a shirt...
Me: Oh! Uh, Mr. Prime Minister, what brings you here?

Koizumi: Herro. Roveree prayshe.

Me: What?


Spits out sunflower seeds
Koizumi: Ahem, sorry my good chap. Where are my manners? I am here for your birthday, my lad.

Me: Really? Um, aren't you kind of busy, what with being re-elected today and all?

Koizumi: Oh, I suppose, but it's always good policy to take care of our in-residence foreigners. We aim to be accommodating after all. So, how are you finding things?

Me: Well, I'm pretty happy here. It's always been my dream to boldly go to a far off land and I must say I've been pleasantly surprised with--why are you laughing?


Koizumi: Oh, sorry, it's just that you used a split infinitive. "To boldly go." How amusing. You're not talking like that around the students I hope?

Me: Hey, lay off, I speak the vernacular! Okay, anyways, I was just about to say that while I find Japan extremely pleasant, I do have a few complaints...

Gets grave look on his face
Koizumi: I see. I shall commit seppuku post-haste.
draws a small ceremonial dagger

Me: Whoa! No need for that! I just-- put the knife down! Down. There. Relax. I was just--Put it down, for heaven's sake!
Several minutes of wrestling ensue

Then George Bush poked his head out the limo...
Bush: Hey, Koizumi! Am I gonna have to drink all this sake* by myself or what? Let's celebrate your re-election already!


Me: What the? Bush is here?! I would totally arch my eyebrows in surprise if I wasn't a static photograph.

Bush: What's the hold up? Wait, I'm coming out!

Bush: Whoops!Guess I'm a little tipsy!

Bush: Wassup!
Koizumi: To use an American aphorism, You so crazy!
Bush: I'm totally buzzin here.

Then an unexpected visitor stopped by.

Adam: WTF? Is that Bush?! My mortal enemy! Have at you!


Me: Um...

Adam is jumped by several secret service agents. Bush is completely oblivious of the entire attack

Mr. T, PhD: I pitty the fool who can't even irritate the people he hates.

Bush: You know, I could swear this Clay kid wasn't Japanese at all. Hey, lets go already!
starts to drags Koizumi off

Bush:Hey, is that the one Al-queda guy hiding in that bush there?

disheveled Al-queda guy: Who, me?

Quickly dons a hat
disheveled Al-queda guy: Uh, its justa me, Mario!

Bush:...
Well okay then. Let's go, Koizumi.

The van drove off, and I went back to celebrating. It's a shame that I never did get to tell the prime minister my thoughts though, cause I totally could have turned this country around if I did.

*:Bush gave up drinking long ago. It's a joke, people.

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