Language problems, and impregnating- pine-needle-birds

Mukashi mukashi, another ALT and I were sitting in a semi-swank bar in Takeo, about as good as they get out here. We're just talking, and I notice the nicely stacked pile of oranges sitting on the bar for making drinks. I call the bartender over and ask if I can buy an orange to eat. He tilts his head a couple degree and stares at me. At this point I get frustrated and say it again, but in English, "I want an or-an-ge to eeeat" (pointing more furiously at the oranges) ...As if speaking in English will be any more helpful.
Sometimes in the course of learning this language, I just get so dang frustrated when people don't understand me. I'm sure it was a strange request to ask for the orange, but that day it just got to me, and in the words of the other ALT, I just felt like "UNDERSTAND me, mutherf---er! I said it clearly! You don't understand your own language? How about plain English?!"
It just happened again the other night. I went to a small store to buy sake for cooking. I don't know anything about the stuff, so I ask the woman at the counter if she can show me some cheap sake for cooking. I start with simple pleasantries and then ask, and she listens to me, nodding and appearing to understand. Then she says as she turns away, "Of course, I didn't understand anything you said." And calls for her son. That just got to me, and I wanted to smack her upside the head with one of the bottles on display. I started trying to say "wait, let me try it more slowly!" but she was already off to fetch her son to speak the foreign pig-latin babble.
Her son was a nice guy and I said the exact same thing to him in Japanese and he understood immediately. This gave me a vague sense of satisfaction, something like, "see THAT, lady, I ain't crazy." ...Although I HAD just been thinking of knocking her rotty teeth out for not understanding me...
Ah, good fun. If only the Japanese knew the broad swath of English varieties the average American encounters, my overly slow and loud "-masu" Japanese wouldn't be so unbearable.

Alright, short story time. I don't take credit for this rendition at all. Totally stolen, but I really like this concise version of the story. ...Then again I'm imagining the music and theatrics that go along with it, so we'll see how well it stands up in written form.
A long time ago, the raven looked down from the sky and saw that the people of the world were living in darkness. The ball of light was kept hidden by a selfish old chief. So the raven turned himself into a spruce needle and floated on the river where the chief's daughter came for water. She drank the spruce needle. She became pregnant and gave birth to a boy who was the raven in disguise. The baby cried and cried until the chief gave him the ball of light to play with. As soon as he had the light, the raven turned back into himself and carried the light into the sky. From then on, we no longer lived in darkness. (M.W.)
And that is all.
Have a good Wednesday, and say 'bye' to your graduating kids one more time.